Saturday, December 22, 2007

Called to attention

Feeling a bit melancholy this time of year. The consumerism part gets to me. I can't help but look at the toy, that innocently got broken a day after recieving it, and feeling ill thinking of the lasting impact that it will have on our environment.

The boys recieved a sweet gift from a local yesterday... trying to enjoy the gesture and not to be a party pooper... BUT... I was mortified while reading the package inserts and seeing the warning to go to the doctor immediately if the " water" -looking substance gets in your eye or on your skin. What on earth are they putting in these toys.... for CHILDREN!!!!!! Honestly. If there isn't somthing safe, biodigradable to use in order to make this toy.... then it shouldnt be made period.

Our greed is making us sick. It is killing our mothers and children. We are poisoning our bodies . We are damaging the earth , that which SUSTAINS us!!!!!!!! When will we wake up??

Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Solstice

Jess made her transit last night... how appropriate! Outweighing my sadness is the relief that she is not in pain anymore. The updates on her suffering were just heartbreaking.

Hug those you love tight today! It all goes by so fast.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

History repeats itself....

When my mother was seven months pregnant with me she awoke one morning and her entire breast had turned rock hard. She immediately went to the doctor but was reassured that it was only a clogged duct and not to worry. She knew though, that something was not right and went for a second opinion. Sadly, she was given the diagnosis of Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She was only 28 years old. She was flown to the next major center over to be induced and to immediately start treatments. This type of cancer does not grow in a typical lump. I would love it if you would read about the symptoms so that they are tucked away in your mind in case you ever need the info.
There wasn't much hope for women diagnosed with this form of cancer , especially back in the late 70s early 80s. She fought hard and sadly lost her life very shortly after her 30th birthday

I have always known that there is a strong genetic risk for me to develop breast cancer as well. With my mothers history and her mother dying of ovarian cancer the doctors have always made that clear. There were talks when I was young about doing a radical preventative mastectomy.... can you believe that! I go every six months for manual exams. I have been pressured to recieve mammograms and genetic testing, both which I have declined. I have already had breast ultrasounds, sheduled biopsies and met with a surgeon for suspicious lumps. I try not to live my life in fear of cancer. I do my best to live a clean and healthy life and remember sporadically (!) to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every moment.

This just comes to the forefront of my mind today... and has for months really. I have watched a woman that I care about deeply struggle with her own dance with cancer over the past years. I remember our emails back and forth the day she found her lump. Discussing our family histories and deepest fears. She was there for me, shortly after, when I had a breast crisis of my own. I have observed her journey through her treatments, the diagnosis and subsequent loss of her sister to breast cancer as well, her remission, the miraculous birth of her second son three months ago... and sadly the return of the cancer with a vengance , spreading to her brain, spine and eventually through her entire body over the last month.

Between Jess and her sister Amy I have learned so much in the past couple of years. I guess I could say it has been a spiritual journey. I havent talked about it much... I just dont even know what to say or how to process it. I recieved the update from her caring bridge site last night. She is in her last moments. I am awaiting the final update today.

I am lighting a candle for her this morning. Praying for a peaceful passing , and some sort of strength to her husband and two tiny children so they may get through this together and hold her memory and the power of her love with them always. I am also giving thanks to the universe for gifting me the chance to share this time with her and to give me the chance to gain some powerful insight, more compassion for the people surrounding me, and a chance to confront those things inside of me that I fear the most.
~ Blessed Be ~

Saturday, December 15, 2007

It has been a while!

So... I had disappeared there for a bit. There has been so much going on in the past few months. Since lots of it wasn't stuff I wanted to share with everyone in my life, It just seemed like anything superficial that I could write about, would have been in genuine. So I'll just fill you in on the main three things that have kept me from writing.

After the bike crash... see below... I needed a couple of doses of pain killers. With my seriously sensitive system the darn things just ripped up my stomach and un did the last 3 years of healing my gut. So my health issues came back with a vengeance... feeling crappy just doesn't lend to a desire to do much journaling! Finally seeing things healing back... not there yet, but small signs of getting better! I lost my appetite pretty badly after the accident and resulting, I lost 20 pounds! ( after gaining 60 during my pregnancies I had it to spare! ) So I am feeling pretty good, but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to keep on top of it! Enough whining... lol

Thing two! We bought a vehicle 6 months ago. Thrilling I know! We had decided to import a Right hand drive vehicle from Japan. We see lots of them up here right now, and the value for what you get is so much better than what we can find used these days. With stringent air quality controls/ inspections, diesel , four wheel drive and lots of other goodies we decided that it was a good idea.
In reality it has been a bit of a nightmare. it was supposed to arrive almost 4 months ago. There have been lots of questionable ( it got nasty) experiences with the importer we used... and to top it off , it was held for a month in customs for a random drug search. The assholes took the entire thing apart ( their job... I know!) and didn't put any of the screws/ bolts back in. Not only that... but they didn't even give them back! So needless to say, i wouldn't recommend the process to anyone! It looks as though it changes hands to us on Monday after the final inspection to make it road ready. Hooray! Pray it happens so that we can join the family for Christmas! So... a real pain in the arse to say the least... remember that we have been car free for a year now! ( would have been nice to be driving at this point!)

Now for the biggie! Big huge! My partner was contacted for the first time by his birth mother!!! A huge exciting/ scary/ wonderful event in all of our lives! It has all gone so incredibly well... but I don't feel like sharing too much here... cause it is kind of private!

While I love blogging in a light day to day kind of way, I find the large events in my life to be a little bit intense to share in this media. I feel so much more comfortable sharing those details with people I don't know well at all... what I find hardest is sharing with the people closest to me. This is not the way for family members to find out about ... anything, pretty much!!!lol And sometimes the timing is just not right for telling certain people, adding to the stress.

So if I disappear... contrary to what seems logical... I probably have something juicy that I am just dying to share!!! lol Sigh.

To finish off...

Son number one. " Daaaaaad"( whining the the most whining kind of grating way that only a kid can do!)." I named my monster truck Lightening Wheels.... but "A" is saying that it is called Penis Wheels. ( Daddy tries to convince him that it doesn't matter what his brother calls it. The name he gives it will be the one that matters to himself).... The saga only gets worse! Getting more and more frustrated while relating the rest of the story...
" He is painting all over the side of my monster truck!!! I was washing it off but he says its the kind of paint that wont wash off."

At this point Dad clues in..... it is an IMAGINARY truck that they are fighting about! LOL

Parenting... driving us to insanity!